PS: Gonna write this post in English so i can improve my writing skills, sorry if you notice grammar error. Thanks for reading.
(This post is in no way to substitute for medical or mental health advice from professional. If you really need help, i suggest you to come to a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist and trained mental health professional. Dont ever manage your mental health by yourself. You are not alone, and there is no shame to seek help from a professional. This post is only my point of view and my experience)
Hello everyone,
So this is my first time talking about the feeling that i had since i was 10 years old. I have never gone to a doctor to get my mental illness diagnosed, until my internist said that my autoimmune condition is came from my mental state that not stable.
Before the age of 15, i used to think that i'm a spoiled child who very sensitive and easily cry. My parents was abused me that time, not physically, its like verbal abused. They said thats what they had to do to teach me, it was for my own good, they tell me its for disipline etc. But i dont think so. They scared me everytime. They teach me fear. Since that i had suicidal thought. I think its better if i'm gone.
Short story, Mum was heart broken because Dad had an affair with other woman. He quits his job as a Manager in some pharmacy company, then invest some money to build bussiness for that woman. Mum was mad and devastated that time. She wish for whatever what Dad do to make a living, looking for money will never succed. Since that, Dad loose all his money and bussiness. Our family became broke in a short time. Dad had one daughter from that woman that named like me, and they separated years later because Granny said so.
Mum raised three child by her own from her own bussiness. She is really strong woman that i know. She had all money from her clothing store to raised me and two older brother. Mum and Dad still together until now, but Dad never done a duty as a husband and a father, to make a living. Poor Mum.. So she express all her anger at me. Since i am her only daughter.
And i experience bullying since i was in elementary school too. I don't know what the reason i get bullied. Maybe because i look weak, introvert and poor. I don't had many friends at school. One of my classmate always hit my head with a ruler everyday. (honestly, its hurt) He is like a boss in class. And other queen-bee in class, a gank of rich girl (from rich parents of course) who always bullied me because i'm ugly, with dark skin, hand-me-down clothes, poor and stupid.
Its a different story back in high school. The whole class bullied me because i was close with a boy. By the way, he is my ex-BF that became my chairmate boyfriend.
Not gonna repeat same mistakes, i became nerdy in vocational school. Glad that i had good friends that last until now, even though the whole class still bullied us because simply, WE ARE NERDS! haha.
Because be friend with them, finally i got second rank in class. Its my first time i'm good at academic. So i show it to my parents, "Hey Mum, Dad. i'm better at academic. Please notice my achievement. Please look at me. Please!!" (its me, screaming in my head)
Mum always proud with my brother, simply because he is the smarter, sweet boy, Mum beloved child. I always jealous with him. She dont give me breakfast before school, but she cooked him breakfast. She use nice words when she talk to him. Mum always use high tone, with little angry-hate-intonation to talk to me. Dad too, and brother too.
Honestly, this sounds stupid. But everyone had their own limit of pain right??
Because of that story. I live with pain for years. Grow with pain, fear, anxienty, insecure, and sadness.
Mental illness does not look or feel same for all sufferers. And trying to express the way i feel and experience has always been difficult. When talking about it, or writing about it is triggering sometimes. And there is just so much to say.
Its started as a feeling of fear and uneasy that was always present and became more intense in time of difficulty with a complicated childhood.
My mental condition felt like suppressed anger, frustation and lot of struggle with my past (and uncertainty of future). The edginess used to come and go, and at the same time i was great to keeping it all hidden. I was always positive and appeared 'happy' and bubby. I hadn't even admitted the problem to myself. I kept all this to myself for so long because i felt ashamed of my struggle. I didn't feel worthy or have the courage to open up to anyone, even one person that i trusted.
As i grow older, I began to have panic attack and depression. This would happen over and over again. This feeling appeared at my quarter life crisis. While i was in college, i had several friends to hangout with. But someday i feel like they are not her right person. They had habbit gossiping other, spend so much money, use mean words. I get used to it at first, but since my symptomps of autoimmune started, i feel like i dont like what they did. So i move away from them, just to keep my mood stable because i'm afraid someday that i'm gonna explode. Since that, i became the loneliest person in campus.
With this mental state and loneliness, then i was diagnosed with a chronic and lifelong disease. Its an autoimmune condition that ruined my life suddenly. This disease messing with my thesis. I graduated and until now i still dont had my bachelor certificate.
Its been a years since i graduated. But i'm afraid to apply for job, afraid to start my own bussiness, afraid meeting others, social interaction drain my energy, i dont have any passion that i love to do, even cooking. I had problem trusting others. Even i'm afraid to start a relationship. All this condition blow up in my quarter life crisis.
However, even though its not gone. But my mental condition start getting better for a while. i have learn several ways to manage my mental condition to myself. I'm gonna share some ways to cope this anxiety and depression before seek help to professional. And i hope this can help you too.
- Acceptance
Accept everything what you feel and don't ever ignore them. If you need to cry, just cry. If you need to angry or express what you feel, just do it. Find the right place to express it so you don't distrub others. I always love to cry while riding my motorcycle alone. No one care with you crying or screaming or cursing. Try to accept for what you feel and let it pass.
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| I'm good at hiding it. |
- Try to express your feelings
Just like what i said before, find the right place to express your feelings. Or you can express it with what ever you can, such a write it down, sing it, write in your social media status, photograph, music, drawing, or cooking. Or simply start to have a diary and write everything what you feel there. Or you can find someone who you trusted and tell them what you feel. Make sure you dont get judge after that, so find the right one.
- Exercise daily
When you exercise regularly, you not only began to notice change in you physique but also significant improvement in your mood and quality of your sleep. Working out regularly increased blood flow and steroid hormones such endorphins, serotonine and dopamine, and helps to reduce stress too. What i feel after sign for gym membership and do weight training 4 times a week is my mood feels better, no more mood swing and negative thought.
- Self love
Reminds myself that whatever i go through does not take away from my worth as a human being. The only person that can give myself love is me. Try to cut toxic people around you and be happy as you can. Loves one can do support the best way they can, but in reality no one is coming to save me. (Who loves me? hey you single and lonely potato). So i have to be there for me, believe in myself and trust my soul no matter hard life gets.
- Pray
Just pray and let God to the rest.
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